I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
