I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
