I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
