It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
