naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
