I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
