I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
