just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Houston, we have a blender
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
