he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
