my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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