Moan for me like Helen Keller
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
