I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
