I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
