I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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