I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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