I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
