My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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