90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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