how can u be prego again
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
