The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
