Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
