since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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