Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
