I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
