The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
