1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I will die if light touches me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
