Say something about gay babies.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
