I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I see more hoeing in ur future
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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