Well douche your snatch and let's go!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
