my vag is so smooth its legendary
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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