I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
