Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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