maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
