the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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