Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
