I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
