I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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