also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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