I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
