This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dignity is for republicans.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
