i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
