my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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