actually, I'm a sock model
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
