I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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