I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
