I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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