The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Everything about him screamed your future.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
