made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
