When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
