I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
