my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
