dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
