dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
